Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.