One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
same energy