I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
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Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”