RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
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My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
this is 10/10 content no notes
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.