Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
You Might Also Like
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”