Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
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If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
congratulations to them
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly