bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
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I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!