Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
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I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Just got to our Airbnb!
Them: You should try keto
Me:
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
ok this is my dumbest yet
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
mmm onion ringos
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.