Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
🙁
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?