[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
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Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.