I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
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Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps