My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
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The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream