Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
You Might Also Like
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”