I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.