i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
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god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
23. the denim jacket
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”