I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman