if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?