You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
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We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Scream sneezers need love too.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.