One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
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There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Dune (2021)
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone: