Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
You Might Also Like
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown