Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
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Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Science memes
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace