Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
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someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…