*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime