[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
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looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.