I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
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Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”