As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Now this is how you LinkedIn
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Teach your children to beatbox
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.