if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
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[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance