[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
You Might Also Like
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Sign at work today
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Matt Goss
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*