Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
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Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
How all things should be taught/explained.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.