My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
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When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels