Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
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What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Hey I worked for it too!
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
starting a garage orchestra
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
secret recipe
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.