“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
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to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
plums roundup
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?