Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
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meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
incredible book dedication
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college