Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
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I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton