Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
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A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it