Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
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Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.