“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
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Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Stop.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it