Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
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me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand