Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
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Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
being a writer on Twitter:
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
who will stop them
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir