Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
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Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too