me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
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Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs