this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
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Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears