Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
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“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Happy thanksgiving!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]