therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
You Might Also Like
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much