The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
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It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.