If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
You Might Also Like
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Selfie
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
english majors be like furthermore
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.