Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
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Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
💻🤡
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights