“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.