[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
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Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.