*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
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[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
LMAO
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.